


And Take This Woman And Make You My Family

by Memories_of_the_Shadows



Series: Femmeslash February 2021 [3]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Complete, Epic Fail, Explicit Language, F/F, Femslash February 2021, Fluff and Humor, Interrogation, Shepard To The Rescue, Suit Kink, Wedding Fluff, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memories_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Memories_of_the_Shadows
Summary: This is the worst time to get arrested.  Good thing Jack looks good.
Relationships: Jack | Subject Zero/Female Shepard
Series: Femmeslash February 2021 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2187477
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	And Take This Woman And Make You My Family

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Hard To Concentrate" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. My favorite wedding song ~~and the one I had for mine~~.
> 
> I do not consent to my work being hosted on any unofficial apps, especially any with ad revenue and subscription services, or any website other than ao3 unless I personally cross-posted a work.

This isn’t the first time Jack has been arrested--hell, she met Jane while she was breaking _out_ of jail--but today is really shitty timing for it, to be honest.

Jane is going to _pissed_. And Jack is fuming herself, she never thought that she would get here, barely even thought she would live long enough to be old enough, nevermind the fact that Jack has spent a good deal of her life fucking shitty people who never failed to screw her over the second Jack stopped being useful.

Marrying Jane was going to be the best thing Jack has ever done in her life--except for teaching her kids--and of course Jack gets arrested for some bullshit, trumped up weapons charge on her way to the venue. 

Something like this would have never happened on Omega, Jack should have just sucked it up and dealt with Aria’s crush on Jane for the day. Jane is very worthy of being crushed on.

“You know, you’re probably the best dressed person I’ve ever arrested,” the turian C-Sec customs officer says and Jack bares her teeth at him in a snarl that once would have sent him running and pissing his armor in fear but now only makes him snort because Jack is apparently no longer intimidating.

She’s going to blame Jane for that, even though Jane is a certified badass space hero and Jack is a fucking school teacher. Her kids can’t do anything wrong, Jack wouldn’t give them up for the world, and Jane can take it.

And, anyway, Jack damn well better look good, she had her class help her pick out the best tuxedo. A completely bomb, stupidly expensive, cropped tux with tails to her knees, little silver tipped points in the front and sharp, silver lapels, with an extremely tight, completely impractical pair of what can only be generously called pants not leggings. It’s only because they’re not stretchy at all that Jack eventually conceded the point on calling them pants to Rodriguez.

“What’s the occasion?” the damn turian asks. Great. Of course Jack would get arrested by a chatty one. She really _has_ gone soft.

Time was, Jack would have murdered the shit out of him before he even got near her, let alone put her in cuffs. This is _definitely_ all Jane’s fault.

“I’m supposed to be getting _married_ , douchebag,” she growls, and it only makes her seethe more.

Jane is probably getting impatient by now, maybe she thinks that Jack has gotten cold feet--after all, Jack isn’t exactly known for being a big fan of commitment and normal shit, she’d’ve been perfectly happy never getting married but Jane wanted to, and who was Jack to say no to the love of her goddamn life--and that shit is just not true, but the goddamn, stupid ass, motherfucking C-Sec and the goddamn, stupid ass, motherfucking _checkpoints_.

“Why are you bringing a _sniper rifle_ to your _wedding_?” the turian practically yelps. A chatty _rookie_. Jack can never let anyone hear about this.

“It’s not for _me_ , you fucking idiot, it’s a fucking wedding present!” Fuck, she’s never getting that rifle back and Jack spent so long trying to find the perfect one. Jane’s favorite antique sniper rifle--a Blaser R93 Tactical--which had been _hell_ to find, and now it’s just going to rust away in the Citadel’s stores.

The turian clicks his mandibles, saying, “a likely story,” in the kind of tone of voice that would normally make Jack punch someone out, but if she’s going to show up to her wedding at all that would be a very bad idea. Cops don’t like it when someone punches them out, for some goddamn reason, even when they deserve it, which is nearly always.

“Ugh,” Jack huffs, rolls her eyes, and collapses back into her chair. This is going nowhere. She’s probably going to be stuck with a stupid, chatty rookie for the rest of the night, when Jack _should_ be getting married to her best friend, drinking the reception away, and celebrating her goddamn good luck finally kicking in with her students and Jane’s ragtag pack of friends.

Which is probably why this is happening. Nothing good ever happens to Jack without something shitty happening to ruin it.

The door is kicked in without any warning, bouncing off the wall.

“Hey!” yells the turian, before someone shoots him with a tranquilizer dart and steps through the open door.

Jane is in a slinky, off-white, silk dress that just waterfalls over her every curve and doesn’t hide shit. Jane clearly has a holster on her gorgeous thighs that absolutely _can_ crush a man’s head like a grape and have before, Jack’s seen it. Gives going down on her just that little bit of _edge_ that Jack likes: especially when Jane gets close and starts squeezing.

Garrus slips in behind Jane and sighs.

“Did you really have to get arrested?” he asks, because he’s an asshole and Jack has never liked him.

“ _Did you really have to get arrested_ ,” she mimics nastily, hoping that she wasn’t drooling at the sight of Jane in her wedding dress, “what the _fuck_ kind of question is that, Vakarian, it’s not like I asked to get arrested.”

“Doesn’t matter, lets go,” Jane says, pulling her tranq pistol up in a guard position and leaning out the door. Her dress back is so goddamn low that Jack has to assume she glued it in place to keep from flashing everyone. Jack’s mouth waters. “The darts won’t last long and the Admiral promised to wait. We can apologize to Executor Pallin tomorrow.”

She glances back at Jack and Jane’s smirk, hooded eyes, and slow, lingering once over makes Jack think that Jane appreciates the tux as much as she appreciates Jane’s dress. She wolf-whistles and kicks back the chair.

“ _Spirits_ , please don’t,” Garrus mutters.

“Shut up, Vakarian,” Jack says, and Jane laughs wildly. “Hold on, I gotta get my wedding present, I got arrested for it and everything.”

“And here I thought getting to rescue your pretty ass was my present,” Jane says, licking her lips, but they make the detour. Maybe it’s a little early to give it, but Jane is just as excited when she sees the sniper rifle as Jack hoped she’d be.

They’re definitely going to have to deal with the fallout later, even with Jane being a SPECTRE, but for the moment Jack is ludicrously excited to not only have the perfect present, but also the perfect rescue, and soon the perfect wife.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided I wanted to write a fluffy, funny wedding fail for my anniversary because now that my own wedding is over I can actually appreciate how funny they are. Now, my own wedding went very well without a problem, which would make for a very boring but extremely sappy story so I went looking for meme-able wedding fails and this one is from someone’s real life wedding fail where the husband goes to jail in the tux and the bride bails him out in her dress.
> 
> Obviously I put a little twist on it XD. I hope everyone likes it!
> 
> If you'd like, come visit me on [tumblr](https://sachinighte.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
